The Great Penguin and Bamboo War
by marigoldmystery528
Summary: You think leading the Akatsuki is easy? Think again. Oneshot


**_Author's Note: The most random oneshot off the top of my very random head. Read and review, please!_**

**_Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, and I wish I did, because then I wold know what's going to happen..._**

"Why do we have to kill penguins again?"

Pain sighed at the utter brainlessness of his supposedly evil minions. "Because we are aiming to hold a monopoly on wars, of course. How many times must I explain this to you?"

"Um, okay?" said Hidan, in an extremely un-villainous fashion. "And the penguins have anything to do with war because?"

"Un," replied Deidara eloquently, as if that cleared things up.

"Since yesterday, when Antarctica was attacked by the bamboo," translated Sasori. "It was a truly horrendous battle. Thousands dead. A horrible sight. Has anyone seen my tomato juice?"

"And exactly why would you need tomato juice?" asked an extremely irritated Pain. He was called Pain, but it was his bunch of dress-wearing minions who were being a pain in the – ah, never mind.

"Because I'm Sasori of the Red Sand," explained Sasori in the tone one generally assumes with a rather slow three-year old. "I can't be Sasori of the Red Sand without red sand, can I? Tomato juice is really quite a remarkable dye."

"I see," muttered Pain, pinching the bridge of his nose. He wanted an aspirin. Of course, when one was a notorious rogue ninja, it was impossible to waltz into a drugstore and buy aspirin.

"No, I'm serious. You can use it to color your nail polish." That was another one of those little things that no one ever missed until they betrayed their villages.

"Why do we wear nail polish, anyways?" wondered Itachi aloud. "It's not terribly virile. And some of us don't have nails. Have you ever seen a blue fish with fingernails?"

"Hey! Watch who you're calling a blue fish!" said the blue fish.

"Excuse me, but did someone just mention fish?" asked a random penguin.

"Look! A penguin! Un!" yelled Deidara.

"Kill it!" yelled half of Zetsu.

"Mangekyo Sharingan!" yelled the other half of Zetsu, for no apparent reason. (He later explained that it was because he had thought, for a moment there, that the penguin was a French fry, which was waving a German flag, that had secretly been the one behind the Uchiha clan murder, and was here to steal Itachi's Mangekyo Sharingan. Which was a lame excuse, no matter how you looked at it).

And there followed a flurry of movement as the rogue ninja in every bingo book tried and failed to kill a penguin. The members of the Akatsuki somehow ended up in an extremely undignified pile of the floor while the penguin skipped in circles and sang Christmas carols.

"How did that happen?" yelped Hidan. "I has sure I had it!"

"Shut up," muttered Kakuzu. "Or I'll kill you."

"Yeah, except for the little teeny tiny problem that I'm immortal. So you couldn't kill me."

"Could too."

"Could not."

"Could too."

"Could not."

"Could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too could too!" yelled Kakuzu.

"Could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not could not!" yelled Hidan simultaneously.

"Sand Coffin," said Gaara, who had come all the way from Sunagakure. He generally would feel bad about killing tantrum-throwing three-year-olds, but he had to draw the line somewhere, you see. "Sand Burial!"

"Everyone say hi to Angela-chan," said Konan, displaying an origami carrot. "Hi, Angela-chan."

Everyone else stared at her.

Pain needed an aspirin. He really did. Stuff all the technicalities. He was getting his aspirin, no matter what. He quickly changed bodies to his Animal Path. "Summoning Jutsu!"

And then, in a poof of smoke, there appeared…Harry Potter.

"Can you poof me up some aspirin?" begged Pain.

Harry blinked. "Um…sure. _Accio_ aspirin!"

Pain poofed Harry back to Hogwarts as soon as he had his lovely, wonderful aspirin. He was pretty sure he was forgetting something, but it would be all right after he had his sleep…hopefully.

Naturally, he wasn't going to get very much sleep.

"Excuse me, but our noble nation has received word that you have chosen to ally your forces with the bamboo cause," said a random penguin. "It is my sworn duty to do everything possible in order to deter you from taking this course of action I am certain that you have come to this decision by no fault of your own and it must be the result of a great misunderstanding I am here to clear up said misunderstanding and I know that you will support the penguin cause in the war."

"Shut up. I've already decided," groaned Pain when the penguin finally paused for breath.

"Then I'm begging you to reconsider," replied the penguin without skipping a beat. "Here, have a popsicle." And then it rammed a popsicle into Pain's mouth.

"Bug off, you dirty penguin," said a new voice, and the random penguin was shoved roughly aside by a more random bamboo tree, or bush, or whatever it is bamboo counts as. It bowed low to Pain. "I am here as an ambassador to the Village Hidden in the Bamboo. I was sent here to –"

"Village Hidden in the Bamboo? How does that make any sense whatsoever? Do leaves live in the Village Hidden in the Leaves? Does sand live in the Village Hidden in the Sand? How dense can you bamboo be?"

"How dare you! We bamboo aren't dense; we're hollow!"

"And that's so much better, right?"

"Yeah, well, you're a birdbrain!"

"And your head is hollow!"

"Your face is hollow!"

"Your mom's face is hollow!"

"Your grandma's face is hollow!"

"You great-grandma's face is hollow!"

"I thought that ambassadors were supposed to be, you know, politically correct," Pain told the popsicle. Confiding in a popsicle. The first sign of madness.

"Well, I thought that your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandma's face was supposed to be politically correct!" yelled the penguin and the bamboo, simultaneously.

Pain ate another aspirin. And then another. And then another. And then…you get the idea. He would have died from overdose had the Deva Path not already been a corpse.

"Konan," real-Pain-who-used-to-be-Nagato-and-kind-of-still-is said, "I need a cough drop."

"Absolutely not," replied Konan brusquely. "Those things do nothing whatsoever for you, and are stuffed full of sugar and chemicals, besides."

"An aspirin?"

"Those have even more chemicals. They can kill you when taken in large quantities, which means that they are actually harmful, even if they make you feel better temporarily."

"Don't you have anything? A random penguin is harassing the Deva Path right now… and don't forget the bamboo."

"I know!" exclaimed Konan. "Get all the penguins and bamboo to gather together in one place. I have the perfect solution."

Pain couldn't believe his ears. "What are you going to do?"

"Oh, you'll see," said Konan slyly.

* * *

**The next day…**

"How on Earth did you get all the penguins and bamboo together, anyways?" asked Konan, sounding pleased.

"I chased them," muttered Pain. "Well, the penguins anyways. I just picked up the bamboo and carried it over."

"Okay, said Konan, and then she sent paper swirling all around the room. When all the paper had settled, they were standing in the middle of…a chemistry lab.

"Um, okay?" said Pain.

Konan bounded to the front of the class. "Okay, so listen up, you guys! Today we will be finding the percent yield of NaCl! And that involves playing with hydrochloric acid! Hooray!"

"I have a feeling that this isn't going to end well," muttered Pain.

Sure enough, Konan hadn't gone over half the procedure before the penguins and bamboo erupted into a full scale battle, complete with flying glass bottles of chemicals.

"Hey! That's improper lab behavior!" yelled a furious Konan, just before the entire chemistry lab blew up in a breathtaking, multicolored, sparkly (even the chemist Konan never figured out why) explosion.

So in the end, the only person that was happy was…Deidara.

**_Author's Note: Have you noticed that I like making people pop up randomly? First Gaara, then Harry Potter... Weird things happen when my fingers hit the keyboard. Anyways. Review, please!_**


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